


Death by Pizza

by Shadow_Of_Castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-05
Updated: 2010-08-05
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_Of_Castiel/pseuds/Shadow_Of_Castiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean orders pizza and soon lives to regret it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death by Pizza

**Author's Note:**

> Winner of the Crack!fic Challenge that ran over the summer at Supernatural.tv
> 
> [ ](http://yfrog.com/nbed4j)
> 
> Banner made by me. :o)

All was quiet in the Winchester's current motel room as Sam leant over his laptop and idly scanned the news reports for reports that looked particularly news-worthy. Dean was across the room, cleaning his gun with a smattering of cleaning equipment arrayed in chaotic order around his body. The elder Winchester was humming Metallica in a particularly loud and off key manner, to perfectly optimise Sam's annoyance levels. Sam was doing particularly well in thoroughly ignoring his brother; after all, he'd had twenty six years of ignoring his brother. He was starting to get to Yoda levels of mastery by now.

Dean hummed louder and started wailing out the words and saw a nerve beginning to jump in Sam's jaw when the younger hunter began to clench and grind his teeth together, in an effort to not react to Dean's particular annoyance.

"C'mon, Sammy, join in," Dean said, in an effort to cheer himself up and relieve the boredom of a quiet motel room. "You know the words."

"No, Dean, I do not know the words to any Metallica songs," Sam replied, with a tightness to his voice that he was trying to pretend wasn't anger.

"Oh come on, join in. Oh no, I forgot, you like Justin Bieber, right?" Dean asked, as he cracked a cheeky grin at his brother.

"I'm gonna pretend I don't know who that is. I'm surprised you do, Dean," Sam said, finally looking up from the laptop to impale his brother with a stunned look.

"What? I can use the internet," Dean said. "Have you seen YouTube?"

"Yeah," Sam said, slowly, still trying to get over the shock of his brother willingly surfing the 'net for Justin Bieber videos.

"I was looking for porn, but I got Justin Bieber instead. I don't know how that happened," Dean said, scratching the back of his neck with one gun oil covered hand.

"No, neither do I," Sam replied, trying to figure out the connection between porn and a sixteen year old singer. "I don't think I wanna know."

Dean huffed out a laugh, before looking up at the sound of a hefty knock at the door.

"Pizza," the elder Winchester announced as he all but leapt enthusiastically up from the bed and almost knocking oily rags scattering to the floor.

Sam sighed and shook his head, transferring his gaze from his brother back to his laptop once more.   
The motel room was soon filled with the fragrant smell of pizza sauce, hot dough and the distinct tang of pepperoni, making the usually overly health conscious Sam's stomach growl. Even so, he huffed out a disgusted snort when his brother sat down heavily on the bed with two large pizza boxes, three portions of fries and what looked like a whole cherry pie with ice cream beside him.

"I don't know where you put all that food, Dean," Sam observed as he leant back in his seat and stared with rapt fascination as Dean wrapped his mouth around a large and steaming slice of pepperoni pizza.

He waited until Dean's mouth was cleared of meat and dough, before the elder Winchester said - "I'm a growing man, Sam. Oh, I forgot, you wouldn't know about things like that because you're a girl. Bitch."

"Jerk," Sam replied, instantly, as Castiel suddenly appeared in the room, nostrils flaring as he caught the scent of hot pizza and melted cheese. "Hey, Cas."

"Hey, Cas," Dean echoed, his voice more muffled than Sam's, as his mouth was currently wrapped around his pizza slice again.

"Hello, Dean," Castiel replied, his deep voice carrying its usual grave tones. "Hello, Sam."

The angel sat down beside Dean when the elder hunter cleared a space beside him, pushing disassembled guns and scattered food to form a wide swathe that was much bigger than Castiel's actual body. Castiel turned his gaze to Dean's, eyes flickering curiously down at the pizza slice Dean was ravenously attacking before transferring his gaze back to Dean.

"It's pizza, Cas. D'you want some?" Dean asked, when his mouth was sufficiently clear again.

"Yes, Dean, I'm well aware what it is you're cramming into your mouth," Castiel replied, making Sam laugh behind him. "I think I would like to pass on that, if you don't mind. I will however, like some of your pie."

"Oh, God, no, don't even," Sam winced, expecting Dean to bawl Castiel out for daring to presume he could eat some of Dean's pie.

Surprisingly, Dean pushed the cherry pie towards Castiel willingly enough, and the angel took a steaming portion gratefully. Sam knew that the Apocalypse really was happening if Dean willingly gave up his pie. Sam corrected himself by adding that he knew that the Apocalypse really was happening if Dean willingly gave up his pie to an angel that never ate.

"Wonders will never cease," Sam muttered to himself, attracting the attention of both Dean and Castiel. "Must be the Apocalypse."

The younger Winchester was amused to note that the pair had matching food smears around their mouths - Dean with tomato sauce glistening on his chin, while Castiel had cherry filling smeared on his.

"What was that? I thought you said something," Dean said, narrowing green eyes at his brother threateningly.

"I said - hunters will never eat after the Apocalypse," Sam said, lamely, before looking away and coughing into his hand.

"Dude, that doesn't make any sense," Dean observed, as Castiel shifted beside him.

Sam whistled in an attempt to draw attention away from himself, and sagged in relief when Castiel did the job for him and started to speak.

"Actually, its the Apocalypse I came here to talk to you about," the angel said, licking at long fingers fussily, cleaning smears of cherry jam from his skin.

"Oh God, it never stops, does it?" Dean moaned into his pizza.

"Dean. Lucifer's not going to take a rain check, just because he's bored or ran out of Cheeto's," Sam reminded him with a long suffering sigh at his brother. "It's the Apocalypse. It won't stop until it's over."

"Yeah, thanks for that, Sammy," Dean said, sourly, pushing his unfinished pizza to one side.

A large growl cut through the air, attracting Castiel's eternal look of wide eyed surprise onto Dean, as Sam made a disgusted noise deep in his throat.

"Dean, that's disgusting," the young hunter said.

"What? Why do you assume it's me?" Dean asked, voice tight with self defense.

"I am an angel of the Lord. I do not make noises such as the one you made," Castiel replied, when Dean looked askance at him. "Dean."

Dean's name was said in such a pointed manner, it made Dean feel uncomfortable.

"Thanks, Cas; you're supposed to be on my side, dude," Dean said, sourly.

"I pulled you out of Hell and I can throw you back in for being ill mannered," Castiel replied, as a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Great, gang up on me then, but I still didn't do it," Dean groused as he nudged Castiel's knee with his foot.

As if to prove his point, a growl emanated from somewhere in the room that clearly came from somewhere else that wasn't included in Dean's digestive system.

"I told you guys it wasn't me," Dean said, smugly.

"Well, if it wasn't you, then what the hell was it?" Sam asked, dark eyes scanning the room as he tried to determine the source of the odd noise.

Castiel sighed in a world weary fashion mere seconds before the second, and up until now, unopened pizza box exploded across the room. The growl grew into a roar as the pizza that had been held in cardboard grew to monster proportions and towered over the bed before Castiel and Dean.

"Oh FUUUUU - " Dean yelled, as he scrambled away and scattered pizza, fries and cherry pie everywhere.

Castiel sighed again as Sam threw himself beneath the table, which did little to hide his over-sized frame. The angel stood, knife suddenly gleaming in the light as he drew it forth from his coat sleeve.

"I told you not to come," Castiel said to the still roaring pizza. "In fact, I ordered you not to bother the Winchesters. They are mine."

"Hey, Sam, Cas said we're his," Dean yelled from where he hid beneath the bed.

Sam was surprised that Dean had even managed to fit beneath the bed anyway, considering there was only an inch gap between the bed and the floor. Dean's powers of persuasion were legendary, or so it seemed. The sounds of fighting attracted the Winchester brother's attention back to Castiel, as the angel slashed, prodded and punched the large and monstrous pizza with mighty smitey ire and anger. Castiel was rasping out Enochian swear words and curses at the monstrous pizza as he fought, until the pizza was finally nothing more than a pile of carved triangles on the floor.

Castiel dusted himself off and managed to smear even more tomato sauce upon his tan coat, before he plucked discs of pepperoni from his dark hair in disgust. He flung them on the pile of shredded pizza bits, before he said - "Told you not to come."

"Who was that? Or should I say what was that?" Dean asked, straightening from his hiding place beneath the bed.

Sam still refused to come out from beneath the table, deciding its restricted space quite comforting really.

"That was the fifth horseman," Castiel supplied, as he wiped his blade on one of Dean's greasy rags.

"There isn't a fifth horseman," Sam said, voice muffled from beneath the wooden table. "There's only four attached to the Apocalypse."

"Just be glad he didn't hear you say that, Samuel," Castiel grated out, angrily.

"Who was it?" Dean repeated himself, feeling like a parrot and not liking the experience one little bit.

"That was Protoplasm, which is also a name for a living matter forming an interior to cellulose, which are minute cells found in yeast. And so it is said, that on the eve of the Apocalypse, Protoplasm will rise again," Castiel said, face as blank and expressionless as usual.

Dean groaned and sat on the edge of his bed wearily.

"I never thought I'd say the day when my own meal would rise up and attack me, and all because of the Apocalypse," he said, as he scrubbed at the back of his neck with one outstretched hand. "You seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Sammy?"

"Yes, I've seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Why do you ask?" Sam asked, finally crawling out from beneath the table to direct a confused look at his brother.

"Well, it's food attacking isn't it? Same thing," Dean said, weakly. "No, I don't know where I'm going with this either. Come on, I've just been attacked by and fought my own pizza, dude. I'm not supposed to make any sense."

"Correction, Dean. You hid from said pizza while I fought it," Castiel said, primly.

"Yeah? Remind me again to never piss off the nerdy angels," Dean groused, as he slumped down next to his scattered food and proceeded to eat.

"I see Death by Pizza didn't dull your appetite," Sam observed with a dry and sarcastic tone to his voice.

"No, I can't let this food go to waste, can I?" Dean replied, sounding affronted and insulted. "Now are you gonna eat any of that pizza or shall I finish it off?"

Castiel looked down at the remains of Protoplasm at his feet before he sighed loudly.

"He's all yours, Dean," he said, wearily.

Dean grinned gratefully at Castiel, before he proceeded to eat the pizza that had threatened to kill him mere moments before. Sam returned to his laptop while Castiel returned to sitting beside Dean, refusing all forms of food that Dean attempted to get him to eat. A half hour after that and there was no indication of there having been a fight in the room at all ...

~fini~


End file.
